I wanted to get ahead of the dot point on the PowerPoint so I scheduled interviews with high end recruiters as soon as the mascara stained tears washed off my face.

Round One

Female Recruiter:            Immaculately groomed 22 year old, sporting more colours in her hair than a Jackson Pollock painting.

‘Urrr cliunt is looking to move forward with majah media campaign, strictly high level struhtegy.’

Me:                                        Red dress, 32 years old and two toned hair colour.

‘I have liaised with the United Nations, negotiated a six point peace plan for Palestine, split the atom and Edward De Bono is my real father.’

Female Recruiter:        ‘Thank you for your time Alexandra, we’ll be in touch.’

Me:        ‘I would appreciate feedback on how we progress this Imogen.’

Female Recruiter:            ‘Um sorry Alexundra, the cliunt was really looking for someone with straight A’s in their academic record.’

Me:        ‘Um, I believe the last person to score straight A’s on his academic record was Sir Robert Menzies.

Female Recruiter:            Looks up Robert Menzies on LinkedIn.

Right, well clearly not going to get that job. I mean how much more high level can you get than a press secretary for a cabinet minister? Christ, I even learnt how to verb nouns and was forever moving forward and workshopping concepts. My straw man pictures would have done Picasso proud.

Round Two

Male recruiter:  ‘Alexandra, you have an impressive resume and held a coveted position in the minister’s office. Why did you leave on the eve of an election?’

Me:        Clearly not as clueless as the Jackson Pollock consultant. I was sitting across the Jon Stewart of recruiters.

‘The decision to move was not taken lightly Jon. I felt it was time to pursue a new direction in my career without compromising the election campaign.

Male Recruiter: ‘So what direction would you like to take?’

Me:        ‘Moving forward Jon, I had hoped to synergise my strong political and commercial acumen by crystallising them into strong triple bottom line results with a large multi-national, moving forward.’

Male Recruiter: “Mmm, well, we have nothing that fits your requirements at the moment, but I will certainly keep you in mind. Thank you for taking the time to see us Alexandra.’

Exit stage left.

Round Five

Female recruiter:             ‘Impressive resume Alexandra, please tell me what first attracted you to this role.’

Me:        ‘I have always been passionate about the green pot bellied frog and feel that the conservation council has a lot to offer in our eco-centric society.’

Female Recruiter:            ‘Yes, that is exactly how we feel. Unfortunately Alexandra, we do feel that you may be slightly over qualified for the role and may not provide you with the challenges you need. We can only offer a media relations officer focusing on the annual bush walking fundraiser.

Me:        ‘Thank you for your time Verity, best of luck with the campaign.’

Exit theatre.